Hey guys...check out this jjgold classic from over a decade ago that I found the other day. Chances are you've never seen it before...but try to get through it without laughing. It's right up there with the "I fukked my aunt" post as far as an all-time great:


Hi Minnow,*

I have not talked to you in a while and wanted to update you on things in my life. First off you would be proud of me with my new weight program. I am down to 283 and now look like a fukkin stallion and women are starting to smile at me and shit. I also bought a nylon rug that holds great on my head and it was custom made as to I can now use duct tape and reverse it and it sticks great and only shifts if we have a big wind and i just hold it then so it stays on the outline I have with a small make-up marker. I do not know if your familar with rugs but I trace out on my head in an eye liner where nylon rug goes and line it up perfectly. Minnow I know all the tricks for these units and I am estatic that I eliminated using glue . Duct tape is a lot cheaper and easier to rip off as oppossed to glue where I had to douse my whole fukkin head with a strong rubbing alchohol product and pray it did not get into my eyes as has happened in the past. It is not easy wearing this rug and requires lots of time and patience. The thing is I have to look the best I can when I step out the door because all the wise guys look at me as do the deli owners. We all try to out do each other with our rugs and some guys have natural hair. Minnow it is all about how you slick it back and cover the edges. You know there are days I am in the mirror for no lie like 2 hours just looking and studying the unit and making changes. Once I have it in place I pound it with hair spray and it does not fukkin move. The hair gets real hard but as long as nobody touches it I am ok. I do wish I could rip it off and say fuk it but I just cannot. I look really good in it and no one has the flock of hair I do at 37 years old. I refuse to let anyone have thicker hair than me. Maybe some day if you come to NJ I will show you my operation and all the materials I use daily to look like a Ted Nugent type. Uh...... if you know anyone from NJ Iwould be interested in dating . I am looking for casual dating. My hobbies are dancing to songs like Disco Inferno, Macho Man and Saturday Night (Bay City Rollers) I like fine dining, gambling and collecting stamps. Finally you can tell whoever I am marriage minded and looking to settle with right woman. Oh enough of all the boring talk.*

Guess what?????? I got jury duty about 2 weeks ago and got into all sorts of trouble before it was over and none of it was my fault. I do beleive the Judge picked on me because of my appearance. I am taking legal action against him by the way.*

Ok it all started when I got the slip in the mail. I was fuming when i got it and called the Jury clerk and said I could not make it because I was checking coats at a fancy restaurant and management relied on me. (The real reason was I was going to Aqueduct that day with some college kids I met in some alley in Jersey City a while back and they had hot horses. We were going to bang the horses heavy and then go eat at a Portuguese restaurant in Ozone Park.) Bull shit was I going to Jury Duty. Anyway the lady says if I do not go I will get arrested and I called her every fukkin name in the book becaused I was pissed and realized I had to go to Jury duty and no Big A.*

I figured if I was going to go I was going to put on a fukkin show. Get this Minnow I go buy real tight prison clothes jump suite type outfit from a costume store , you know the old time type ones that are black and white striped all over like a fukkin prisoner.*

I get into the jury room for check in and the whole place fukkin erupts because I was the last one in and jockying to get a seat and rows were narrow and with my big killer body caused a disturbance.. I had coffee and 3 jelly rolls ( I love them) and mouth stuffed. I think some people thought it was a joke or something with the outfit I was wearing..*


I loved it!!!! I am serving jury duty and look like a fukkin prisoner just to bust balls because I did not want to be there.*

Well I got called up and was asked questions and shit about myself and the first thing the Judge said was I looked like wise ass and looked like mess. I had a donut up at the podium!!!! I had some words with him and said I did not want to be here and i said I was a business man and wanted to be excused. Basically he said tough luck Son and sit down.*

The bizarre thing is I get picked for a case dealing with minor theft at a store. The case lasted like 4 hours and was pretty cool. I kept eyeing up prosecutor and I think she wanted to bang me. I gave her winks and shit and some of my boys were in the crowd and had some fun with them too. I taunted the defendant and stared him down a few times. I thought he looked familar but was wrong. Throughout the whole ordeal everyone cannot beleive the outfit I had on and The Judge said it was innaappropiate. I said it is a free country and I can wear what I want. I did not back down to him*

A had my A game in the court room and numerous times I had great one liners where my fellow jurors erupted in laughter. Minnow I had great material that day and had a lot of fun. I was warned 4 times by The Judge for showing him up in his courtroom and causing disturbances to the trial and kept saying shit about being unprofessional?? Strange! I was giving him my time and not the other way around. Once I asked him if he owned the courtroom and asked him was he getting paid because I was not. Words were exchanged and get this they have a side bar and then break from it and prosecutor and defense attorney want me removed from trial (unheard of during the trial). The Judge told me to get up and leave and I am off case but I had to sit in some room until trial was over. Some type of rule I guess and I could not discuss case with anyone. I gave a thumbs up to my fellow jurors .*

I was teed that my cell was confiscated for ringing in courtroom and i actually answered one call during the trial. I am an important guy and need to take calls.*

The Judge did not like me right from the outset I think because of the prisoner outfit and my weight issues. Well I am glad I went and it was an experience . The horse ran out that day which made it better. Minnow I wish you could of seen my prisoner outfit as it was classic and somewhat bizarre for a courtroom.*

Anyway had a good week with bases and my credit outs all have to pay me as all hit settle firgures.*

Hey get this I buried Sportman the last 3 weeks for 15 Dimes and the fat fuk had to pay me.*

I like CWS tonight. Off to work doubled dipping my coat checking job with parking cars at a soical club down the street.*

Talk to you again sometime.*

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